updates

I can't believe I've been so lax about writing in my blog. This summer has blown by and now we're at the end. I will miss it, though I love fall. And this fall should prove to be an exciting one, with the election and all.

Renovate continues to mature as a church lead team. I'm proud of the people I am working with and we are looking toward early next year to make our church "public" even though we keep getting many people who are interested in joining our services already.

Sarah has started the fourth grade and if you know me, you know that the first day of school has always been hard for me, because it's a reminder that this beautiful kid of mine is not going to be a kid for much longer!!

Joanne is busy once again with babysitting, loving spending time with our friend's son, Kiernan.

Its been a busy one, but God continues to prove His love and grace to us again and again around every corner. And I'll try to write more!!

two years

Two years have passed. 

 

I've written a bit about our journey through this blog and now we're at a two year mark since we walked away from all that we knew because it was no longer healthy (emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially) for us to stay in the CLB. 

 

Days like today, the wounds are still tender, some times they feel raw. 

 

But so much good has happened since we walked away.  Our rhythm of life is much healthier, our spirits are freer, our family is stronger.  I've had two really great jobs, making steadier, better money than I have ever before, with insurance!  God has supernaturally provided for us in ways I've never experienced in the last two years.

 

Our revelation of God's goodness and grace is stronger than I ever thought it could be.  I've watched as God has provided for every need and become an intimate partner with us. 

 

The friends that surround our lives now are real.  They have been tested and pulled through the ringer with us.  They have stood faithful to us as only true friends can.  We have definitely learned what friendship really is and we are more appreciative of our friends than ever before.

 

We've watched this seedling of a church begin.  Our little group has bonded and is working toward developing a community of faith that will make an impact on our community and walk alongside others on their faith walk and assist them as they seek out what it means to have faith in Jesus. 

 

Today is more bittersweet then, as I find myself between grieving the loss of friends or who I thought were friends, the old familiar places and faces, and finding thanksgiving for the future unrevealed in many ways but shrouded in promise of adventure and exploration into the heart of God.

 

I find myself returning to the scripture that gives our church its name, its focus, its purpose:  "You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You'll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again."  Isaiah 58:12, The Message

 

Make it so, Lord, make it so.

legacy

Legacy. In the CLB (church left behind) we were taught that we had a spiritual heritage that we needed to honor it and that to leave or to disagree with that heritage would be equal to rebellion. They seemed to think that because they had taught us and that some of us had come to faith through that teaching, that we owed them this loyalty that covered a multitude of sins.

(Loyalty for loyalty sake is not true loyalty, but only bondage to another’s whims and desires. Loyalty should never be used against anyone or they have lost their free will to comply or not comply. God desires loyalty from us, but never strips our free will, nor does he reject us when we do walk away. See the prodigal son story to see how God treats those who stray from the fold.)

This past week I saw a real legacy and it was not one that demanded any kind of loyalty, but rejoiced in seeing where God had led those who had been imprinted by it so many years ago. Our family went on a little excursion to visit my birthplace and where I lived until I was 11. In a “God-moment,” we got to meet up with my first children’s pastor and senior pastor from the church where I first was saved and baptized.

Rev. Kenneth Frisbee will be 80 years old soon, and is still going strong. A pastor with the Free Will Baptist denomination, he’s pastored his church for 47 years. Sitting in his living room, having already walked through the church and reminisced the day before, I realized that it was his leadership of that church and the desire for everyone in it to know the Word of God that propelled me in the direction that I took in my faith walk. It wasn’t the apostle that tried to shape me into his image, but this humble, yet very strong man of God who taught me about Jesus at a young age that set my feet on this path.

To hear his delight in the fact that I was a pastor and planting a church of my own was so heart-warming. It was wonderful to hear his strong passion for souls and remember my baptism and first communion and my own passion to see others know God from a young age. What amazes me is that I know if I needed spiritual counsel or support at any moment I could call this man whose church I belonged to 25 years ago and there would be instant support and prayer and love.

This is true spiritual fathering, knowing that you may not complete the journey with someone, but feeding them and sharing life with them as they travel through their faith walk. This is what true legacy is about.

“I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants, nor the one who water is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. For we are God’s co-workers; you are God’s field, God’s building.” (I Corinthians 3:6-9 TNIV)

jesus bread

First, an apology, if anyone should feel the following post is sacrilegious, please forgive me and know it's not intended.

 

So here I was last week at our special evening event for renovate that we held as a teaser of things to come and give us opportunity to practice and flesh out who and what we'll be as a church community.   We had just finished cleaning up the sanctuary and putting things back and someone reminded me to put away communion. 

 

Quickly I take care of the elements, at least I thought I did.  I actually ended up carrying around the bread in a napkin and taking it with me out to the car.  (You know how you can be carrying something and not even realize you still have it in your hands?  Well, I do, because my mouth is usually in motion and not paying attention to what's in my hands.  Anyway…)

 

The next day I didn't use my car, so it wasn't until Monday when I left for work that I realized I still had "Jesus bread" in my car.  By now it had been exposed to the air for a while, in the heat, and it was stale, brittle, hard.

 

As I drove down the road, I began to think about the fact that I had "Jesus" in the car with me, but it was not impacting me.  I could drive all over town and not realize that Jesus was with me.  Though it was special and an intimate worship time Saturday, the experience of the communion from Saturday night had not remained.  Like stale bread.

 

How quickly do we let the bread of life become stale in us?  Do we live our lives without recognizing his presence with us, even in the car, at work, in the home?  May God grant us is refreshing, restoring, renovating spirit everyday, that we may not forget that from him comes all life and sustenance.  God, teach us how to practice honoring your presence everywhere we are and at all times.

wordle

found this thing called "wordle" on Emergent Village...
played around with it using some phrases of a post i wrote about renovate. i like it:

circles

The other day at work I looked out the window of one of the offices and saw two really big birds, I don't know if they were hawks or what but they were circling in the air.  They made large circles, and as they did, each cycle took them a little bit higher.  I've heard about birds doing this before as a way of gaining height, but had never really watched them.  They kept doing this until they were too high for me to see through my window. 

 

It made me think about how many times in life we feel like we're "going around in circles."  Maybe its in those times when we're frustrated watching the same scenery, that actually God is helping us to "catch the wind" that is actually taking us up to where the real currents of our lives are and propel us to the future.

 

Don't know, but it encouraged me and thought I'd pass it on.

reasons for writing

How fast a couple of months go by.  I can't believe it's been two months since I last blogged.  There have been some precipitating issues that have caused my retreat from writing, but it should not have stopped me.  It shocks me that I've been so lax in writing.  Yet, I'm not surprised as recently my writing has begun to be vulnerable and I'm scared at times to plunge the depths of my own vulnerability, especially on a public level.  And on top of that, recently my writing and love for blogging became a target of accusation and attack.  So the thought of stepping back out of the boat of safety and conformity is cause for a bit of trepidation. 

 

But writing is important to me.  Blogging has been a spiritual discipline for me.  It is a place where I have worked out some of my most frustrating or puzzling struggles with life and faith and church and such.  It's not an easy place as a pastor to put yourself on the line like that.  Especially coming from the old paradigm that the pastor/leader must portray themselves as having it all together, without doubt and fear.  (The reasoning is "who would follow someone who doesn't have it together?" But I find that I can trust better someone who knows they are not all together perfect rather than one who falsely believes their God's next chosen son.)

 

Even if no one ever reads what I write, it's important that I write.  That I pray through my issues in the spiritual practice of journal/blogging.  It's more about me than the others who will read along with my journey.  Not that I don't want to hear from those who walk/read my journey.  I do.  But it is more about the audience of One who hears and knows before keyboard is struck or word is thought.  I need His attention to these words.  I need to hear His voice in response.  I need to feel His hand on my shoulder as I wrestle through these things. 

 

So if you read these notes I make along the journey, welcome, drop me a line occasionally, especially if I drop off the radar as I have of late.  Tell me to keep at it.  We need traveling companions.  Thanks for reading.

some days

Sometimes I suck at all this relational stuff. 

 

As much as I want to be a people person, as much as I've always been one, some days I just strike out.  You know what I mean?  There are days when I've been the best friend that I can be to someone only to find that it's not enough or that it's too little too late, or that in spite of all my best intentions, I've not been able to meet a deep-seated need of friends who I care much about. 

 

And so I hurt.  And I probably pout, too, though I won't necessarily admit it.  (I try to teach my nine-year-old not to pout, you see.  So I shouldn't.  Right.) 

 

When I was in the CLB, the "apostle" once was talking about when people leave the church, and they simply said "people leave, you move on, you don't let it affect you."  I was taken back by those words, because to me, it devalues the relationship you had with that person.  And having watched them as people did leave them, I saw very little grieving on their part from lost friendships.  (To be fair, maybe they hid their pain.)  But most of the time, any pain was deflected to condemning those who had left their "fold"; any regret that was expressed was over the time that they had "poured into" that person.

 

Then when it was our time to leave, though I had requested no contact from them, there was a part of me that wondered, "Do they even miss us?"  And my sarcastic inner voice would reply, "yeah, probably all the hard work you gave them over all these years." 

 

Why do I bring this up?  Because when I'm having a hard relational day, week, month, there is a part of me that wants to say, "I'll just write them off.  I don't have to chase after them.  Let that person think what they will."  Somewhere I think I picked up some bad theology of friendship/relationship.  (I think I know where I got it…reading above again…)  BUT the love of God, the little voice of grace that lives in my heart, speaks to me and refuses to let me do this.  I can't shut people off, I can't turn away from them even internally, just because they don't believe in me or because I've failed somewhere and they have suffered the consequences of my life, or because it's just so hard to love them. 

 

Paul said this in 2 Corinthians 5:14:  "For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died."  This gives me hope, because there is some thing that Paul is saying here that's hidden.  He's saying that it's Christ's love that compels him…not his own goodness or his own love or own kindness that he uses, but love that has been place in him by the presence of the Holy Spirit. 

 

So when I have these days where I suck at relationships, I can rely on the Holy Spirit to love them for me through me.  Christ have mercy.

present with the Lord

This week I was asked to do a funeral for a baby who died at six months in the womb.  The mom had to deliver the baby, so they decided to bury the child and honor his memory and the place he had in their hearts.  It was one of the hardest funerals to do.  Understandably, there were a lot of tears and sadness. 

 

But this was different than other tears at a funeral.  It wasn't tears of loss of the place this little person had in their lives (except of course the immediate family), but it was more of the loss of what could have been.  It was the loss of the future person that this child would have become.  Would he have been good at school or sports or mischievous?   What would he have become as an adult?  Where would he have gone to college and who would he have married?   

 

As the family grapples with the fact that this little one is not going to live out his life in their family, they also look toward a future where they will see him once again and spend eternity with him.  King David said, "He cannot come to me, but I will go to him." 

 

We have a promise in Christ that eternity will be a large place of fellowship and support and love.  "I go to prepare a place for you…in my father's house, there are many rooms…If I go away to prepare a place for you, will I not come back to take you to where I am?"

 

What does all that look like in reality?  I used to be taught in Bible College that everything could be known about what heaven and eternity will be like.  We "knew" practically all that would happen in the "end times."  But in recent months and years, I've become a little lax on the dogmatic-ness of those beliefs.  Good as I think the scholastic work they're based upon is, I think part of life and death is living in and with the mystery that "truth be told" we really don't know what it will be like "on the other side." 

 

Paul said that when we die we're "present with the Lord."  I think that's enough.  I think that's the point.  Whether our visions of heaven, or hell, or tribulation and rapture, are correct or not, the heart of the matter is what we do in our relationships here, will determine our relationships there.  Our heart connection with God here will survive even death. 

 

Paul also reminded us that the same power that raised Christ from the dead dwells in us.  Wow.  That's a lot of power, but yet we do not see it.  How come?  I don't have all the answers, in fact today I feel as though I have very few.  But knowing that the power of God dwells with his people makes it a little more bearable to face reality of life and death.  Just knowing that the end is not the end, but just the beginning of being "present with the Lord" whatever that may look like.

winning friends and influencing others

I remain convinced that what we win people with, we win them to.

 

I got this quote from Bob Hyatt's blog and it's not left my mind all day.

 

What do we win people with?  As we look at what the church is and can become, it's important that we look at this statement and weigh what it is that we win them with and to.

 

First of all, know that I don't think souls are to be pawns for a great cosmic game.  But that's not what Bob is referring to.  He was talking about how we present ourselves to the world, especially special days and events like Easter, and how we sometimes over compensate on these days and people who enter our communities believe that this is what it's like all the time.  Surprise!  But let me take it one step further than just programs and presentations…

 

So it's important that what we present to the world/community/friends around us is what we are willing to be all the time.  I think this is the benefit of true authentic community.  If you are a loud, friendly group, don't get serious and solemn when you invite new people to experience your worship.  Be yourself.  But on the same note, if you are more serious, contemplative worshippers, don't make yourself something you're not, just to get someone to notice you. 

 

It's important that people see us for what/who we really are.  It took me 13 years to discover some of the leaders I had placed trust in all those years were not who they had portrayed themselves to be.  It is easy to allow spirituality to cover your flaws and project them onto others so you don't have to change, especially in leadership.

 

The sad thing is that what we win people with, even our character deception, will be what people are won to.  They will take on those characteristics.  They will follow in our footsteps.  It is so very important that we look at how we live, how we worship, how relate.  Is this what we want to reproduce after ourselves?  The physical reality that we reproduce after our own kind is nothing compared to what we reproduce spiritually. 

 

Do I want disciples of me or of Christ?  Paul said to follow him…like he followed Christ.  He understood that people would follow him, so he kept their eyes on Christ and not himself.  Do I point others to the One I'm following?  I cannot, and refuse, to become the object of one's following.  But I desire to present those who would walk with me to the Master of us all. 

 

I can't take people where I'm not willing to go, that I know.  But that's also scary.  It takes willingness in me to go beyond my limits, my weaknesses and into God's grace and God's strength. 

 

God teach us how to have balance in leading and walking with, guiding and learning with, being the example and learning from.

ramblings and revelations

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I've become after leaving the CLB and the change in my vocation.  I think it's perpetuated as I'm beginning this new journey with our church plant, renovate.  I must admit there are days that I ask myself, why do I do this?  Why would I embark on this journey once again?  But then as a pastoral friend told me a few months ago, "if it's in you, it's in you."  And I know that church work is in me.  It's part of who I am. 

 

Some days it feels as if we've been gone from the past ministry for decades and others it feels like a couple of days.  Why?  Why must I continue to feel the pain of the loss of friends and ministry when I now am surrounded by these new experiences, friends and great new ministry opportunities?  Does it mean that the grieving process really isn't over yet or does it just mean I really haven't forgiven and released the people who hurt us so badly?  (Former Leader wrote a great post about the loss of friends…check it out to the right.)

 

The other day, Joanne and I talked about how "they" probably don't even care or think of us anymore, yet I find myself struggling with "them" more than once in a while.  I want to move on.  I have to let go of the past and move forward.  I definitely don't want the past to linger into the future, I don't want it to taint who I am and what I do, but what if this event in my life has imprinted me to the point of changing who I am?

 

Scratch that…it has changed who I am and what I believe.  I can't go back to the previous way of life, way of ministry, way of thinking.  Nor do I want to.  But some days, what was done or known before is more comfortable than taking on the unknown future.  But maybe that's the issue…compared to the unknown, foggy future, it's easier to look back and dwell, compare and wrestle, rather than step out of the boat onto stormy seas of opportunity and risk. 

 

Maybe this is why I hold onto the past wounds and worries rather than move tentatively at best, because it's comfortable.  Even abuse can become comfortable if it's something I know and expect.  So maybe this season is really about breaking the cycle.  Walking away from the past.  Letting it die.  Easter is the season of resurrection, maybe I've been dying a bit this year, dying to the past to give new life to the future. 

 

I remember something God showed me when we began to look at starting a new ministry:  the previous ministry was a seed that had to go into the ground and die to allow this one to come to new life and grow. 

 

The scripture he gave us for our new church seems to make even more sense in this light: "You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You'll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again."  (Isaiah 58:12, The Message, italics mine)

 

God, give me grace to let my past die.

 

mark of discipleship

It was a success!!  We had our first special event as renovate, a baby dedication/worship gathering last weekend.  We had about 40 people there who came to celebrate with our friends, as they committed themselves and their baby to the grace of God.  It was a very special evening.  (You can read about it at The Speakman Family in the links to the right.)

 

We are looking forward to the future as we will plan other events and worship gatherings as teasers of things to come.  These event/worship gatherings will give our lead team a time to practice and flesh out what it is that we feel God has called us to do and to be as a church and the flow of what our ministry times should be like. 

 

As a lead team, our group is beginning to work through the essentials of team building and what it looks like to work as a team in community, not just to come together and get something done, but to really live and support one another in life as well as in ministry.  It is our desire to build a community of leaders upon which our community of faith can grow. 

 

So many church plants, at least ones I've been around in the past, started with a dynamic speaker/pastor/apostle and maybe a few followers committed to starting a work, renting a building and putting out a sign saying "we're a church, come and find God."  Not that I'm saying that's all they do, because most have rigorous evangelism tactics and outreaches, but the thrust of the church start is based on having a building, holding services, and promotion. 

 

The way we're approaching this ministry is that we have found life and grace and support in the community of friends that we've built over the last few years and we want build upon that community.  (Some of our friends have been friends for 14 years!)  We believe that people are not looking for something to believe in as much as they are looking to belong to something.  It is when they first belong to something (have that connection of belonging to a group or community) they will begin to believe what they've experienced. 

 

Our postmodern culture says, 'let me experience it, then I'll believe it.'  As much as our tradition mindsets, rooted in the modern movement of Christianity, would condemn such statements, I believe it is something that Christ understood when he taught the disciples: "They will know you are my disciples, by your love for one another." 

 

Surprising note, at least to me, is that Jesus didn't say, "by your love for the unchurched ones."  (Not that we should love everyone, please understand.)  He was talking specifically to the premise that people would be attracted by their community, by their relationship with one another.  This would be the sign of their discipleship, of true Christianity.

 

It isn't the flash of our ministry that will draw people.  It will not be how slick our promotions and our promises.  I admit those things will draw a crowd, but only really draw more consumer-like followers waiting for the next flash and promise.  But Jesus was telling the disciples: if you learn to live out the principles of love, agape unconditional love, within your community of like faith…outsiders will see and know you are truly my disciples. 

 

This is what the heart longs for, a fellowship that is deeper than coffee after Sunday service.  To be loved and known by other people who care about your life and what is happening to you is real community.  So this is what we desire to become.  But it's not an easy process.  Even when you've known people for years, it's hard sometimes to become vulnerable. 

 

As a leader/pastor/whatever my job, it can be hard to step outside of people's perspectives of me and let them see me for who I am, warts and all.  But if I don't, and if our team can't, how will our community of faith ever have an authenticity which will envelope those looking for faith and love and grace?

 

My prayer is that renovate will bear the true marks of a discipled, authentic community of faith.

formulas

There is a great post on formulaic religion on Former Leader's blog.  Check it out:

 

"Positive Confession: What I Learned"

And while you're there, check out what else she has to say...there's a lot of good stuff in her blog!

 

renovate

I don't remember how much I've put on this blog about the church plant that we have begun, but over the last six or seven months, we've been meeting with about a dozen friends, deepening our spiritual formation and developing community among us with the goal of planting an emerging church in Fairmont, WV.

 

We desire to be a different church than what is normally expected.  We want to be highly participatory and experiential in our worship, as well as having a heart for those who just don't fit in conventional church or organized religion.

 

Well, we've finally come to a place where we named our church.  It was quite a journey, but I believe we've found a name that speaks to our mission and our purpose of being:

 

renovate

 

The word renovate means 'renew or restore to as as-new condition.'

 

The name comes from a verse in Isaiah 58 in the Message version of the Bible.  It reads:

 

"You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You'll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again." 

(Isaiah 58:12, The Message)

 

It is our desire as a church to live out this scripture and to use the past to propel us into the future, a future of rebuilding and renovating, opening the message of grace and the Kingdom of God to everyone.  We desire to be a community full of grace and to become partners, companions, with others on their walk with God as we make the community of faith livable again.

 

Thought I'd share with you the good news.  From time to time now, I'll give updates on what renovate is doing.  Pray for us!

ashes

From dust we came, to dust we will return. 

 

The ashes of Ash Wednesday are symbolic of the very essence of our mortality.  Our focus is to remind ourselves that without God we are nothing but dust.  It is in him that we live and move and have our being.

 

Our society would tell us that we make our own way in this life.  That it is up to us to create our own destiny.  But let's be honest. 

 

Did you decide to be born?

Did you tell your heart to beat just now, sending the blood coursing through your veins?

Did you decide to breath and keep oxygen in your body so that you can stay conscious?

What power do we have over life? 

 

The only power we truly have is what we do with this life we've been given.  Life is a gift. 

 

We have the power to make right choices with the life we've been given.

We have the power to turn away from the wrong choices that will take away from the life we have been given.

We have the power to turn over our life to the Master and Creator of life that he might make it more than just inhabited dust, and fulfill his purpose and plan in us.

 

The Bible says that we will one day stand before Christ's throne and our works (the deeds we did in this life) will be judged by fire.  Those worthy of his plan and purpose in our lives will be refined as gold and silver are purified by the fire.  Those that do not emanate out of his plan and his purpose will be burned up, leaving behind ash.

 

What things are you holding onto today that will not last in eternity?  What things are holding you from your destiny?

 

The Bible says of King David, "…and fulfilling God's purpose in his generation, David died."  What is keeping you from fulfilling God purpose in your generation?

 

Is it a sin…an action or an attitude that does not glorify God?

Is it a prejudice or a habit that detracts from the grace that you've experienced from God?

Is it that really good thing that is fun or profitable for you, but takes away from your family and from your purpose in God's plan?

 

Hebrews 12 says, "Let us strip away every sin and weight that slows us down in this race of endurance…"

 

Faith is not a sprint, but a marathon of endurance.  We have to take measures to give up those things that will slow us down, that we can find grace…energy…to continue the race.  Let us set our eyes on Christ who has gone before us.

 

kingdom grace post

Kingdom Grace has some very interesting things to say about prophetic and apostolic ministry today.  Take a minute and check it out:

 

http://kingdomgrace.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/temple-tantrum/

--
"Do not ask what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive and go do that.  Because what the world needs are men who have come alive."  - Gil Bailie

seventeen and nine

Seventeen years ago today, on a beach in Barrington, RI, my wife and I took our first date. Two and a half years later, in October of 1993 we were married.  I remember starting the car after we had closed the church up and all our friends and family had gone and I looked at her and said, "well, here we go on the our great adventure."  And so it has been. 

 

Looking back, I still see no reason why we survived those first few years.  The only way I can see is that we had the grace of God and we had each other.  We weren't the typical newlyweds fighting it out trying to figure out each other, for we were blessed to have had great mentors and spiritual friends who had prepared us for this experience called marriage and we faced each day as a team.  That doesn't mean there weren't bumps in the road, for every journey has its holes in the road, and surprising twists, but we made it. 

 

The little five room apartment that could fit in the living room and dining room I have now was a great little place to begin our lives together.  It was old.  My great grandfather had built the building it was in and it showed, but we made it a home.  Funny now, how we are running out of space in our two-story home with a basement, but yet, we had all we needed in that little apartment.

 

After spending over a year trying to figure out God's plan for us, we found ourselves in new adventures still as we moved into ministry and eventually full-time ministry, paying more than we had made yet, but still not paying enough!  We found our love of ministry and we poured out our lives into the lives of young people, teens and young adults, even though we ourselves were merely young adults.  But we did it together.

 

Going to work together, living together, some people thought, "Are you crazy?"  But we made it work.  But there was still more that we needed…someone to share our love.  Isn't this the reason we desire and have children, so that we can love them?  I taught Sunday at church that God created us to love us and this is the reason we have children as well, so that we can love them…and we wanted a child, too.

 

Nine years ago today, on the eighth anniversary of our first date, my beautiful little girl was born.  The apple of Daddy's eye and pride of Mommy's heart.  She has filled our lives with such joy and happiness. 

 

Yesterday I got to spend a few hours with my daughter, taking in the Hannah Montana 3-D Movie Concert, but most of all watching her and being in awe of her joy.  I am amazed at her growth and maturing into the woman she is becoming. 

 

I am doubly blessed today to share a special day, a special date on the calendar, the day I received the two greatest blessings of my life: my two women, my wife and daughter.  I love them more today than ever before, and am so humbled that God chose me for them.  Thank you Lord.  I owe you everything.

yesterday

Yesterday, my family and I went out for lunch and in doing so we saw an area minister we used fellowship with from time to time.   Together, we used to be involved in a pastor's group for our city.  It was the first time I had seen this person since leaving the CLB.  We were one booth over and as I sat down, I said hello to him.  Grinning politely, he nodded and said hello and that was that. 

 

Barring trying to read more into this than is real, there was a part of me that was hurt.  He hasn't seen me for over a year and a half, never has spoken to me or reached out to find out why I had disappeared from the ministerial scene, and this, being the first time seeing me, I expected more.   Maybe this is selfish on my part, but would it be too hard to stop by on the way out and say, "How are you doing?"  I guess, in all fairness, I should have gotten up from my table and went and said it to him, but I'm the one who's been missing, you know?

 

God forgive me if I've been this way in the past.  I hope that I've not ignored or chosen to refuse a friendly encounter, simply because someone was no longer in the company of my fellowship.   I probably have.  We reap what we sow, so I probably have sown my own hurt feelings.  For that I'm truly sorry.   I can say that there have been others I have seen since leaving and have went out of my way to say hello to them.  Although, I must confess sometimes I have done it to gauge the response I'd receive from them.   And thankfully, most of the time, it's been pleasant and a blessing to both of us.  But still this bothers me…

 

How can the church continue to be the church with factions and divisions based on whose loyal or disloyal to whom?   Isn't this whole church thing supposed to be about Jesus?  Are we not first and foremost supposed to be loyal to him?

 

Didn't Paul rebuke people for saying they were for him or they were with Apollos? 

 

"I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought. My brothers and sisters, some from Chloe's household have informed me that there are quarrels among you. What I mean is this: One of you says, "I follow Paul"; another, "I follow Apollos"; another, "I follow Cephas a"; still another, "I follow Christ."   Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Were you baptized into b the name of Paul?" (1 Corinthians 1:10-13, TNIV)

 

What does the modern-day church do with this scripture?  We must learn to wrestle with these things before it tears up more hearts, lives, and churches.

 

Could it be that Jesus was warning us when he told the disciples to call no man "father"?

 

"But you are not to be called 'Rabbi,' for you have only one Master and you are all brothers.   And do not call anyone on earth 'father,' for you have one Father, and he is in heaven.  Nor are you to be called 'teacher,' for you have one Teacher, the Messiah. The greatest among you will be your servant. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted." (Matthew 23:8-12, TNIV)

 

God give us grace to be humble enough to realize that our game isn't the only game in town, that our yoke (interpretation) of the scripture isn't the only yoke there is.   Give us grace to learn how to bless those who walk a different road, even if it means leaving our side.  Teach us how to love, even when we don't really know the whole story, and give us the opportunities and desire to ask the questions to find the story they long to share.   Forgive us where we've snubbed, turned away and lost heart.  Heal us where we are wounded, that we may become strongest in the broken places.

dreams on a deadline

New Year's resolutions never really work for me. I know I struggle with the willpower to adhere to some well meaning platitudes of what I will do in the new year to turn over a new leaf. Yesterday I was reading Paul Viera's blog (in the list to the right), and he said that he doesn't do resolutions, but sets goals for the new year. He said that "goals are dreams with a deadline." So I was thinking about some goals I need to set for myself for this coming year. I'm not sure if it will make it more impact than resolutions, but here are some goals I want to set for myself this year:

• Leave 2008 at least 25 pounds lighter than I came in. Of course that means I have to lay off Coca-Cola and chocolate, and I don't know if I can or not, but it's only 2 pounds a month. I should be able to cut back enough for that. We'll see.
• Get through all the paperwork rigmarole to get our tax-exempt status for our ministry. My wife and I just incorporated our ministry, Grace Unlimited Ministries, and are in the process of planting a church, which will come under the status of our ministry. So it's important that we get this aspect of ministry in today's world done.
• To launch the church this year. I don't want to rush anything. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm more "slow and steady wins the race," than "Speedy Gonzales" out the gate. But I do want to see our community to be able to go public this year, inviting others to join this journey with us and help people connect with God in a new and exciting way. (Of course, this means we need to have a name for said community, of which we do not have yet. Pray for me, I have name issues.)
• I would like to finish the rewrite of the book I wrote a couple years ago, but never published. I'm glad now that I never published it, because after my bout with the CLB, I now have to do some serious reworking, as I've learned a whole lot more about what I am writing than I did then. So maybe this will be the year I finish the book that has taken seven years to write.
• The fear of failure and the loss of confidence that we experienced going through our church left behind journey makes things harder sometimes than they should. I definitely want to leave 2008 with more confidence and belief in myself than I've come into it with. I want to leave this experience that scarred us so deeply, yet some days I feel like it will never heal. It's like a scar that itches and when I scratch it, it brings up the memories of what set it there in the first place. We're 18 months from it, yet it still echoes.
• The last one (because I don't want to have too many and mess them up) is more of a continuing commitment, rather than a goal or resolution. I want to be more present with my wife and daughter. Not that I'm absent or not available, but I want to be more "in the moment" with them. I want to not lose these precious years with Sarah, simply going through the motions. I want to be the man that they both need me to be. God, give me grace.

Wow, sorry, didn't plan for this to be so open. Well, God, here are some dreams, help us get to the deadline on time.