wordle

found this thing called "wordle" on Emergent Village...
played around with it using some phrases of a post i wrote about renovate. i like it:

circles

The other day at work I looked out the window of one of the offices and saw two really big birds, I don't know if they were hawks or what but they were circling in the air.  They made large circles, and as they did, each cycle took them a little bit higher.  I've heard about birds doing this before as a way of gaining height, but had never really watched them.  They kept doing this until they were too high for me to see through my window. 

 

It made me think about how many times in life we feel like we're "going around in circles."  Maybe its in those times when we're frustrated watching the same scenery, that actually God is helping us to "catch the wind" that is actually taking us up to where the real currents of our lives are and propel us to the future.

 

Don't know, but it encouraged me and thought I'd pass it on.

reasons for writing

How fast a couple of months go by.  I can't believe it's been two months since I last blogged.  There have been some precipitating issues that have caused my retreat from writing, but it should not have stopped me.  It shocks me that I've been so lax in writing.  Yet, I'm not surprised as recently my writing has begun to be vulnerable and I'm scared at times to plunge the depths of my own vulnerability, especially on a public level.  And on top of that, recently my writing and love for blogging became a target of accusation and attack.  So the thought of stepping back out of the boat of safety and conformity is cause for a bit of trepidation. 

 

But writing is important to me.  Blogging has been a spiritual discipline for me.  It is a place where I have worked out some of my most frustrating or puzzling struggles with life and faith and church and such.  It's not an easy place as a pastor to put yourself on the line like that.  Especially coming from the old paradigm that the pastor/leader must portray themselves as having it all together, without doubt and fear.  (The reasoning is "who would follow someone who doesn't have it together?" But I find that I can trust better someone who knows they are not all together perfect rather than one who falsely believes their God's next chosen son.)

 

Even if no one ever reads what I write, it's important that I write.  That I pray through my issues in the spiritual practice of journal/blogging.  It's more about me than the others who will read along with my journey.  Not that I don't want to hear from those who walk/read my journey.  I do.  But it is more about the audience of One who hears and knows before keyboard is struck or word is thought.  I need His attention to these words.  I need to hear His voice in response.  I need to feel His hand on my shoulder as I wrestle through these things. 

 

So if you read these notes I make along the journey, welcome, drop me a line occasionally, especially if I drop off the radar as I have of late.  Tell me to keep at it.  We need traveling companions.  Thanks for reading.

some days

Sometimes I suck at all this relational stuff. 

 

As much as I want to be a people person, as much as I've always been one, some days I just strike out.  You know what I mean?  There are days when I've been the best friend that I can be to someone only to find that it's not enough or that it's too little too late, or that in spite of all my best intentions, I've not been able to meet a deep-seated need of friends who I care much about. 

 

And so I hurt.  And I probably pout, too, though I won't necessarily admit it.  (I try to teach my nine-year-old not to pout, you see.  So I shouldn't.  Right.) 

 

When I was in the CLB, the "apostle" once was talking about when people leave the church, and they simply said "people leave, you move on, you don't let it affect you."  I was taken back by those words, because to me, it devalues the relationship you had with that person.  And having watched them as people did leave them, I saw very little grieving on their part from lost friendships.  (To be fair, maybe they hid their pain.)  But most of the time, any pain was deflected to condemning those who had left their "fold"; any regret that was expressed was over the time that they had "poured into" that person.

 

Then when it was our time to leave, though I had requested no contact from them, there was a part of me that wondered, "Do they even miss us?"  And my sarcastic inner voice would reply, "yeah, probably all the hard work you gave them over all these years." 

 

Why do I bring this up?  Because when I'm having a hard relational day, week, month, there is a part of me that wants to say, "I'll just write them off.  I don't have to chase after them.  Let that person think what they will."  Somewhere I think I picked up some bad theology of friendship/relationship.  (I think I know where I got it…reading above again…)  BUT the love of God, the little voice of grace that lives in my heart, speaks to me and refuses to let me do this.  I can't shut people off, I can't turn away from them even internally, just because they don't believe in me or because I've failed somewhere and they have suffered the consequences of my life, or because it's just so hard to love them. 

 

Paul said this in 2 Corinthians 5:14:  "For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died."  This gives me hope, because there is some thing that Paul is saying here that's hidden.  He's saying that it's Christ's love that compels him…not his own goodness or his own love or own kindness that he uses, but love that has been place in him by the presence of the Holy Spirit. 

 

So when I have these days where I suck at relationships, I can rely on the Holy Spirit to love them for me through me.  Christ have mercy.

present with the Lord

This week I was asked to do a funeral for a baby who died at six months in the womb.  The mom had to deliver the baby, so they decided to bury the child and honor his memory and the place he had in their hearts.  It was one of the hardest funerals to do.  Understandably, there were a lot of tears and sadness. 

 

But this was different than other tears at a funeral.  It wasn't tears of loss of the place this little person had in their lives (except of course the immediate family), but it was more of the loss of what could have been.  It was the loss of the future person that this child would have become.  Would he have been good at school or sports or mischievous?   What would he have become as an adult?  Where would he have gone to college and who would he have married?   

 

As the family grapples with the fact that this little one is not going to live out his life in their family, they also look toward a future where they will see him once again and spend eternity with him.  King David said, "He cannot come to me, but I will go to him." 

 

We have a promise in Christ that eternity will be a large place of fellowship and support and love.  "I go to prepare a place for you…in my father's house, there are many rooms…If I go away to prepare a place for you, will I not come back to take you to where I am?"

 

What does all that look like in reality?  I used to be taught in Bible College that everything could be known about what heaven and eternity will be like.  We "knew" practically all that would happen in the "end times."  But in recent months and years, I've become a little lax on the dogmatic-ness of those beliefs.  Good as I think the scholastic work they're based upon is, I think part of life and death is living in and with the mystery that "truth be told" we really don't know what it will be like "on the other side." 

 

Paul said that when we die we're "present with the Lord."  I think that's enough.  I think that's the point.  Whether our visions of heaven, or hell, or tribulation and rapture, are correct or not, the heart of the matter is what we do in our relationships here, will determine our relationships there.  Our heart connection with God here will survive even death. 

 

Paul also reminded us that the same power that raised Christ from the dead dwells in us.  Wow.  That's a lot of power, but yet we do not see it.  How come?  I don't have all the answers, in fact today I feel as though I have very few.  But knowing that the power of God dwells with his people makes it a little more bearable to face reality of life and death.  Just knowing that the end is not the end, but just the beginning of being "present with the Lord" whatever that may look like.

winning friends and influencing others

I remain convinced that what we win people with, we win them to.

 

I got this quote from Bob Hyatt's blog and it's not left my mind all day.

 

What do we win people with?  As we look at what the church is and can become, it's important that we look at this statement and weigh what it is that we win them with and to.

 

First of all, know that I don't think souls are to be pawns for a great cosmic game.  But that's not what Bob is referring to.  He was talking about how we present ourselves to the world, especially special days and events like Easter, and how we sometimes over compensate on these days and people who enter our communities believe that this is what it's like all the time.  Surprise!  But let me take it one step further than just programs and presentations…

 

So it's important that what we present to the world/community/friends around us is what we are willing to be all the time.  I think this is the benefit of true authentic community.  If you are a loud, friendly group, don't get serious and solemn when you invite new people to experience your worship.  Be yourself.  But on the same note, if you are more serious, contemplative worshippers, don't make yourself something you're not, just to get someone to notice you. 

 

It's important that people see us for what/who we really are.  It took me 13 years to discover some of the leaders I had placed trust in all those years were not who they had portrayed themselves to be.  It is easy to allow spirituality to cover your flaws and project them onto others so you don't have to change, especially in leadership.

 

The sad thing is that what we win people with, even our character deception, will be what people are won to.  They will take on those characteristics.  They will follow in our footsteps.  It is so very important that we look at how we live, how we worship, how relate.  Is this what we want to reproduce after ourselves?  The physical reality that we reproduce after our own kind is nothing compared to what we reproduce spiritually. 

 

Do I want disciples of me or of Christ?  Paul said to follow him…like he followed Christ.  He understood that people would follow him, so he kept their eyes on Christ and not himself.  Do I point others to the One I'm following?  I cannot, and refuse, to become the object of one's following.  But I desire to present those who would walk with me to the Master of us all. 

 

I can't take people where I'm not willing to go, that I know.  But that's also scary.  It takes willingness in me to go beyond my limits, my weaknesses and into God's grace and God's strength. 

 

God teach us how to have balance in leading and walking with, guiding and learning with, being the example and learning from.

ramblings and revelations

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I've become after leaving the CLB and the change in my vocation.  I think it's perpetuated as I'm beginning this new journey with our church plant, renovate.  I must admit there are days that I ask myself, why do I do this?  Why would I embark on this journey once again?  But then as a pastoral friend told me a few months ago, "if it's in you, it's in you."  And I know that church work is in me.  It's part of who I am. 

 

Some days it feels as if we've been gone from the past ministry for decades and others it feels like a couple of days.  Why?  Why must I continue to feel the pain of the loss of friends and ministry when I now am surrounded by these new experiences, friends and great new ministry opportunities?  Does it mean that the grieving process really isn't over yet or does it just mean I really haven't forgiven and released the people who hurt us so badly?  (Former Leader wrote a great post about the loss of friends…check it out to the right.)

 

The other day, Joanne and I talked about how "they" probably don't even care or think of us anymore, yet I find myself struggling with "them" more than once in a while.  I want to move on.  I have to let go of the past and move forward.  I definitely don't want the past to linger into the future, I don't want it to taint who I am and what I do, but what if this event in my life has imprinted me to the point of changing who I am?

 

Scratch that…it has changed who I am and what I believe.  I can't go back to the previous way of life, way of ministry, way of thinking.  Nor do I want to.  But some days, what was done or known before is more comfortable than taking on the unknown future.  But maybe that's the issue…compared to the unknown, foggy future, it's easier to look back and dwell, compare and wrestle, rather than step out of the boat onto stormy seas of opportunity and risk. 

 

Maybe this is why I hold onto the past wounds and worries rather than move tentatively at best, because it's comfortable.  Even abuse can become comfortable if it's something I know and expect.  So maybe this season is really about breaking the cycle.  Walking away from the past.  Letting it die.  Easter is the season of resurrection, maybe I've been dying a bit this year, dying to the past to give new life to the future. 

 

I remember something God showed me when we began to look at starting a new ministry:  the previous ministry was a seed that had to go into the ground and die to allow this one to come to new life and grow. 

 

The scripture he gave us for our new church seems to make even more sense in this light: "You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You'll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again."  (Isaiah 58:12, The Message, italics mine)

 

God, give me grace to let my past die.

 

mark of discipleship

It was a success!!  We had our first special event as renovate, a baby dedication/worship gathering last weekend.  We had about 40 people there who came to celebrate with our friends, as they committed themselves and their baby to the grace of God.  It was a very special evening.  (You can read about it at The Speakman Family in the links to the right.)

 

We are looking forward to the future as we will plan other events and worship gatherings as teasers of things to come.  These event/worship gatherings will give our lead team a time to practice and flesh out what it is that we feel God has called us to do and to be as a church and the flow of what our ministry times should be like. 

 

As a lead team, our group is beginning to work through the essentials of team building and what it looks like to work as a team in community, not just to come together and get something done, but to really live and support one another in life as well as in ministry.  It is our desire to build a community of leaders upon which our community of faith can grow. 

 

So many church plants, at least ones I've been around in the past, started with a dynamic speaker/pastor/apostle and maybe a few followers committed to starting a work, renting a building and putting out a sign saying "we're a church, come and find God."  Not that I'm saying that's all they do, because most have rigorous evangelism tactics and outreaches, but the thrust of the church start is based on having a building, holding services, and promotion. 

 

The way we're approaching this ministry is that we have found life and grace and support in the community of friends that we've built over the last few years and we want build upon that community.  (Some of our friends have been friends for 14 years!)  We believe that people are not looking for something to believe in as much as they are looking to belong to something.  It is when they first belong to something (have that connection of belonging to a group or community) they will begin to believe what they've experienced. 

 

Our postmodern culture says, 'let me experience it, then I'll believe it.'  As much as our tradition mindsets, rooted in the modern movement of Christianity, would condemn such statements, I believe it is something that Christ understood when he taught the disciples: "They will know you are my disciples, by your love for one another." 

 

Surprising note, at least to me, is that Jesus didn't say, "by your love for the unchurched ones."  (Not that we should love everyone, please understand.)  He was talking specifically to the premise that people would be attracted by their community, by their relationship with one another.  This would be the sign of their discipleship, of true Christianity.

 

It isn't the flash of our ministry that will draw people.  It will not be how slick our promotions and our promises.  I admit those things will draw a crowd, but only really draw more consumer-like followers waiting for the next flash and promise.  But Jesus was telling the disciples: if you learn to live out the principles of love, agape unconditional love, within your community of like faith…outsiders will see and know you are truly my disciples. 

 

This is what the heart longs for, a fellowship that is deeper than coffee after Sunday service.  To be loved and known by other people who care about your life and what is happening to you is real community.  So this is what we desire to become.  But it's not an easy process.  Even when you've known people for years, it's hard sometimes to become vulnerable. 

 

As a leader/pastor/whatever my job, it can be hard to step outside of people's perspectives of me and let them see me for who I am, warts and all.  But if I don't, and if our team can't, how will our community of faith ever have an authenticity which will envelope those looking for faith and love and grace?

 

My prayer is that renovate will bear the true marks of a discipled, authentic community of faith.

formulas

There is a great post on formulaic religion on Former Leader's blog.  Check it out:

 

"Positive Confession: What I Learned"

And while you're there, check out what else she has to say...there's a lot of good stuff in her blog!

 

renovate

I don't remember how much I've put on this blog about the church plant that we have begun, but over the last six or seven months, we've been meeting with about a dozen friends, deepening our spiritual formation and developing community among us with the goal of planting an emerging church in Fairmont, WV.

 

We desire to be a different church than what is normally expected.  We want to be highly participatory and experiential in our worship, as well as having a heart for those who just don't fit in conventional church or organized religion.

 

Well, we've finally come to a place where we named our church.  It was quite a journey, but I believe we've found a name that speaks to our mission and our purpose of being:

 

renovate

 

The word renovate means 'renew or restore to as as-new condition.'

 

The name comes from a verse in Isaiah 58 in the Message version of the Bible.  It reads:

 

"You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You'll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again." 

(Isaiah 58:12, The Message)

 

It is our desire as a church to live out this scripture and to use the past to propel us into the future, a future of rebuilding and renovating, opening the message of grace and the Kingdom of God to everyone.  We desire to be a community full of grace and to become partners, companions, with others on their walk with God as we make the community of faith livable again.

 

Thought I'd share with you the good news.  From time to time now, I'll give updates on what renovate is doing.  Pray for us!